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July 3, 2006
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¡Curmudgeonista! / RADIO SANDWICH

WEEK OF JULY 3rd, 2006

Ben Scores Dream Job in Idyllic New England Seaport Town.

Deily watchers intrigued to see "how he's gonna screw this up."

"Vacationland": Not too shabby. (AP)

PORTLAND, ME--After nearly a year of creative duties on the Microsoft account (at San Francisco's McCann Worldgroup)--and "almost apocalyptic levels of whining"--Ben Deily has accepted the post of Associate Creative Director at an undisclosed but allegedly "wicked cool" advertising agency in the scenic idyll of Portland, Maine.

At a hastily-called press conference, Deily--a former c-list Indie-rock luminary and amateur collector of personal debt--seemed almost incredulous with glee. "These guys sent movers to California, man. MOVERS. As in, to pack everything for me. It was surreal.

"Now I've got an apartment here by the waterfront. I have, like, an office with a window that actually opens. Working on some great clients, with a great team of people. Just I like I always said I wanted." After a thoughtful pause, he added, "Hmmm. I wonder how I'm gonna screw this up?"


Portland, a bustling seaport and tourist destination known for its local art and music scenes, thriving fishing industry and world-class restaurants, seems to have factored into Deily's decision to jump coasts yet again. (See graph.) "I always saw myself living in northern New England, like Maine or Vermont or something...y'know, closer to my family and friends here, but not in a major city or anything. I just never figured I could find a real ad agency up here. Guess I was wrong. Wow," Deily mused, stroking his chin, "I really wonder how I'm gonna screw this up."

Deily experts concede that his fear of screwing this up is not entirely unfounded. "Mr. Deily does have something of a track record in this regard," explains Dr. Andrew Tierney, a licensed social worker and long-time Ben-watcher. "Like so many of his neurotic, late-Capitalist brethren, Deily experiences a fair amount of strain under the pressures of conventional 'success.' This can lead to various forms of self-defeating, self-destructive 'acting out.'"

Hey, he could always try lobstering. (UPI)

Interestingly, while Deily ascribes such periodic 'melt-down' behavior to a fear of failure, several psychiatric professionals from whom Deily has received care over the last decade have declared it to be a 'fear of success.' "Whatever," quipped a grinning Dr. Tierney. "Tomato, tamahto. I'm just looking forward to seeing how he's gonna screw this up."

Before excusing himself to return to his new professional duties, Deily had this to say. "When--and if--I do screw this up, I can promise you only this," Deily declared. "It's gonna be epic, man. Stuff of legends. Public disgrace, restraining orders...maybe even an arrest or two. I will not disappoint.

"Make no mistake," Deily added with pride, "I am supremely confident that, if need be, I can--and will--find a way to screw this up."



THE JOURNEY TO THE EAST: Deily discovers existence of "a whole freaking country, or something" between San Francisco's East Bay and western suburbs of Boston.

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Roulette "just not my game, apparently" declares now carless Deily.

"Life of the mind" apparently weighs a %$#@ing ton.

Scofflaw in Wyoming: Indy proves "disobedient in any state."

NEWS archive...