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April 2, 2006
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French Fries in Windshield-Washing Bucket Suggest "Darker Side" of Human Nature.

Oh, the fry-manity... (UPI)

SANTA CRUZ--The unaccountable presence of french fries floating in a local service station's windshield-washing fluid bucket today hinted at the possibility that people may not, in fact, be fundamentally good and decent.

"What th-" exclaimed local man Ben Deily, upon dipping the provided squeegee into the seething bath of soap and potatoes. "Oh, MAN. This is totally gross."

Seeking to clean the windows of his trusty 1994 Dodge CARAVAN before braving the rigors of the mountainous road back to the East Bay, motorist Deily was shocked to discover the offending fast-food product in such an unlikely, grotesque place--darkly hinting as it did at the perverse, lurid streak that conceals itself in the recesses of the hearts of all homo sapiens: a lust for cruel jests, the perverse sowing of mischief: a quotidian nihilism perhaps best described by British poet Phillip Larkin as "desire of oblivion."

"Incredulity, indignation...Icky." Motorist Deily. (AP)

"Well, cripes," opined a thoughtful Deily, adding: "For crying out loud. How am I supposed to get the windshield clean now, huh? Goddamn kids."

When reached for comment, gas station cashier and attendant R. Gupta--possibly the only living human witness to the defilement of the windshield-washing fluid--merely shrugged through the slightly smeared panes of his bulletproof glass booth, and returned to watching "March Madness" on a small, black & white television set.

FOLLOW UP: Local authorities have been apprised of the deep-fried spud-related crisis, and have vowed to pursue the guilty parties "as soon as we have a second to spare for this kind of bullsh*t nonsense." A spokseman added, "Call 911 again, sir, and we WILL arrest you."

Contacted for background, neither a Boise-based fast-food trade group nor the American Ethical Society had offered any statement as of press time.

Offensing spuds: in the words of Cotton Mather, "a stench in the nostrils of the righteous." (AP)

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Deily toasts unaccountable popularity. (UPI)

Passing 1 Year Anniversary, Bendeily.com Claims More Than 18,000 Visitors--And Counting

Baffled founder to public: "Don't you people have anything better to do?"

SAN FRANCISCO--Bendeily.com celebrated its first anniversary last week with the following improbable metrics: along with 244,001 hits and 16.6 gigabytes of data transferred, the fledgling website--an eclectic, highly disorganized "vanity" creation of former c-list punk rocker Ben Deily--was shocked to report a head count of 18,158 "unique" visitors since going live in March 2005.

"Well, this, this is...unexpected," stammered eponymous founder and "Chief Creative Consultant" Deily during an informal press conference on Wednesday. "I mean, cripes. What? Has television gone off the air or something? Is there no more porn on the internet? Why in God's name would so many people be visiting my weird little site? It's counter-intuitive."

The numbers: CLICK for full size

"OK" added Deily, "it's more like downright...creepy."

Besides a smattering of original MP3s and band photographs, the website reportedly boasts little more than Deily's resume and advertising portfolio, an "Onion"-style collection of fake news articles, and a ghastly collection of unpublished poetry.

"What can I say?" offered a shrugging Deily. "I'm as stunned and bewildered as anyone. I mean, the poetry alone should be enough to scare off any discerning reader. Maybe the internet is even bleaker than I thought. Either that, or somehow search engines are listing us as, like, "naked babes in thigh-high boots dot com"; Who the hell knows? All I can tell you is, I barely know 18 people, let alone 18,158. So obviously, this is all a little surprising. I just wish I had thought to sell T-shirts on the site. Now THAT would have been a smart move."

"Thanks for your inexplicable support": Ben and Ben enthusiast. (AP)

"Or even stickers," muttered the aging "musician," trying unsuccessfully to conceal the fact that he was counting using his fingers. "Could definitely have moved a few of those. For maybe a dollar a piece? Jeez louise..."

Experts remain as nonplussed as Deily. "There's sometimes really no rhyme or reason to the differential popularity of web-based entertainment venues," offered Clifford Osgood of technology and Internet research giant Forrester Research. "What the heck? More power to the guy. He really should be selling a little real estate to Gooooogle ads though," added Osgood. "Unless he's a complete moron."

As of press time, the complete moron in question was unavailable for comment.



Despite Pitched Battle, Space Invaded.

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