BELATED NEWS, WEEK OF NOVEMBER 20, 2005
|Deily: not as "special" as he had planned. (AP)
Auditing Irregularities Prompt "Accomplishment Earnings" Restatement by Deily
Halfway through life, Deily not as "exceptional" as previously promised.
SAN FRANCISCO--An otherwise routine birthday "soul-searching" by area musician Ben Deily has led to a potentially
embarrassing public announcement: that previously projected life-accomplishment earning will have to be re-stated. This is
the latest in a series of accounting glitches which have had regulators looking hard at the former C-list "punk rocker."
"This is merely a routine anomaly, characteristic for a man entering his late 30s" a grim-looking Deily explained
to reporters. "Sometimes, good-faith projections fail to materialize as planned--for any number of reasons."
|BEN: affinity for chickens, mediocrity. (AP)
"For instance," Deily explained, "the Nobel committee has been very busy with many well-qualified nominees
the last few years. Obviously, them getting around to my selection is simply a matter of time." Deily went on to use
similar logic to justify his apparent failure to have yet become a renowned theoretical physicist, deep-sea explorer, best-selling
author, or a fireman.
According to the analysts, Deily's lower-than-expected accomplishment earnings my be due to "transitory issues that
are unlikely to affect his performance beyond 2006." Others posit that Deily more likely may simply be "just some
dude with a 9-to-5, for cripes sake."
"This accomplishment earnings restatement should in no way be construed as an admission of any failure of planning,
or misrepresentation," a bespectacled Deily insisted, brandishing a sheaf of important-looking papers covered in charts
and graphs. "We're simply...uh...re-assessing short-range projections based on changing market conditions, as this fiscal
year draws to a close."
"By the way," added Deily, "we expect great, great things in the next quarter."
(As of this writing, shares of Deily have been formally downgraded by UBS from "neutral" to an "eh, who
knows with this guy?")
|Spoils of birth: the natal gods' bounty.
LAW & ORDER-IN-A-BOX!
New game promises to make dreary reality more like pulse-pounding police procedural.