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Week of July 17, 2005
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WEEK OF JULY 17, 2005

Acts Of A Few Brutal Fanatics "Don't Represent Larger Community Of Brutal Fanatics."

Eons of violence dismissed as "an aberration."

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"Misinterpretation" of scripture in London. (AP)

YOUR CITY -- In an impassioned statement, a spokesman for some complex, Draconian belief system-or-other based on ancient tribal texts and mythologies declared his group's "universal condemnation of the barbaric actions of these few extremists."

"In this time of crisis," the spokesperson continued, "we stand shoulder-to-shoulder with our brethren from other, different Draconian-belief-systems-based-on-ancient-tribal-texts, in decrying this senseless, terrible tragedy."

"As you all know, ours is a religion of peace," he added. "You know this because I keep repeating it over and over again."

"Numerous references in our sacred texts to violence, revenge, eternities of torture for the unbeliever, and ruthless intolerance toward other beliefs merely reflect the basic underpinnings of ANY of the major faiths. I mean, please. Don't any of you actually read your own sacred scriptures?" A period of embarrassed audience silence followed as reporters shuffled feet and cleared throats.

"Yes," the spokesman declared, "from the latest 'Islamist' suicide bombings in London to the reckless, racist posturing of Israeli 'settlers,' from the smug hate-mongering of America's Evangelical 'born-agains' to the blessing of mass-murder by the Orthodox church in Serbia...everywhere, the application of religious values is clearly transforming our world for the better.

"Our faith really does bind us together."

"Why am I being murdered?" An easy-reference graph
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Interestingly, experts have noted that it is typically close adherence to--rather than deviation from--the "literal meaning" of religious texts that leads directly to inquisitions, jihads, crusades, "terrorism," coercive conversion, and the dehumanization of all "non-believers."

In response to the suggestion that evidence of religion's positive impact--alleviating, rather than exacerbating, human suffering--is so anecdotal as to be virtually non-existent, the spokesman bristled. "Ghandi? Martin Luther King? Like, um...the Dalai Lama? I mean, are those guys 'annecdotal'? Huh?"

After a "moment of silence," the spokesman ended the press conference with an impromptu prayer: "Lord, may you guide us to an ever deeper understanding of our brothers and sisters from other religions.

"Y'know...the ones who believe the wrong stuff about the Truth, about which there can be no compromise? Yeah, them."

NEWS archive...


IN OTHER NEWS:

Heaven-bound try, fail to not look smug.

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Intolerance of Intolerence Deemed Intolerant

"War of All Against All" Cancelled Due to Disagreements

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Defender of Organized Religion Cites "Really, Really Nice Buildings"

(CLICK on the smug, leering face)
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Death-hungry lawmaker orders