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april 17 2005
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WEEK OF APRIL 17, 2005

localdog.jpg
Indy: Uninterested.

Ben Kicks Out "Mad Jams" from Brick Hearth: Local Dog Unmoved

BURBANK -- Despite what was reported as "a blistering onslaught of acoustic guitar pyrotechnics," local resident Ben Deily was unable to effect any visible impact on local dog Indiana Jones during a recent impromptu guitar performance. "I don't get it," a visibly crestfallen Deily told reporters. "I mean, I was, like, ON, man. My acoustic version of Cher's BELIEVE is not to be denied. But Indy, she just sat there," he added glumly.

Deily, a former member of several obscure bands, began his "sonic assault" on his quiet neighborhood -- adjacent to the so-called "Equestrian District" and Griffith Park, near the Glendale border -- with a ferocious round of repetitive tuning, strumming the chord E and clearing his throat. "I knew I was really connecting with the audience when Indy stopped chewing her butt in the kitchen, and came into the living room to see what was going on," said Deily. "But then, she just kinda looked and me, and turned her back. It was obvious she'd lost interest."

Despite an abortive attempt at a version of Fleetwood Mac's "hold me" with improvised dog-centric lyrics, it became clear to Deily that the canine simply wasn't going to "get her head in the show." "It happens that way sometimes," Deily conceded. "Clearly, I wasn't providing the kind of entertainment experience she had hoped for when she first came into that living room. When you're competing for attention with an activity like butt-biting, well, you obviously have to be ready for some disappointments." When reached for comment, Indiana Jones gave a tail-twitch faintly reminiscent of a wag, and continued to stand vigil by the supper dish.

Despite discouragement, Deily has vowed to try again to win the sustained attention of the fickle mixed-breed. "Once I played this version of Bob Seger's "hollywood nights" that I called "hollywood dog," and she seemed to love it. It was, like the story of her life and how she got rescued by Chester... I know it sounds stupid, but I think she really liked it."

IN OTHER NEWS

Ben Pledges to Make Website Language More "Accessible, in a Polysemic, Multi-Valent Fashion"
Shiftless Former Harvard Student, "Musician" Still Unemployed

Ben Stands, Stares Into Refrigerator for 3 Minutes
Pundits: Is It Time for Another Veggie Dog?

Sock-Matching to be Top Priority for Week, Ben Declares
Errant Foot Knitwear to be Tracked Down, Paired at All Costs

SURVEY: Is That My Cell Phone, or the $#@! Wind-Chimes Again?

NEWS archive...

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