welcome to bendeily.com.

may 1 2005
* varsity drag
* pods
* lemonheads
* mini-book (print)
* radio
* TV
* interwebs
"NEWS" archive
¡Curmudgeonista! / RADIO SANDWICH

Deily, wavin' it around. Gates, inset. (AP)


Bill Gates, Ben Deily Reach Historic Accord

Microsoft Founder to invest share of multi-billion dollar fortune in shiftless "musician"

SAN FRANCISCO - After protracted seconds of negotiation, a deal has been finalized by which Bill Gates will pay a sum described as "riches beyond the dreams of avarice" to erstwhile dog-walker and obscure 4th-tier punk rock star Ben Deily. To avoid the appearence of impropriety, the funds will reportedly be "laundered" through an intermediary business entity: specifically, a San Francisco advertising agency.

"Damn right, yeah, this boy, [Gates] he my DOG. You KNOW he got the money ready ta go," an elated Deily exclaimed during a hastily-convened press conference on the steps of San Francisco ad agency _______, a part of the ____ Group. "Yeah" added Deily, waving the notorious "MS" gang sign at a small group of reporters. "Windows XP, B****. You can't fade us."

Insiders report that under the (publicly undisclosed) terms of the Gates/Deily deal, Deily will help the Redmond-based Microsoft corporation to "pimp they advertising" as a consultant/freelance writer at _______, an agency responsible for part of the vast Microsoft account. Working across a variety of carefully chosen media, Deily will be working as part of an interdisciplinary team to help assure that the public face of Microsoft is not only "krunk," but consistently "all up in't."

All about pentiums, benjamins, respectively. (AP)

"In terms of perception Microsoft is, in a sense, a victim of its own success," explains technology industry analyst Henry Abernathy. "In spite of -- or perhaps as a result of -- the company's commanding market penetration, many consumers don't have top-of-mind awareness of how robust and powerful the family of Microsoft products actually is...nor how much it can genuinely help any end user to pursue their passions, at work, at home, anywhere."

When pressed for further comment, Deily replied only with a terse "Y'all get off my porch, B*****s," then disappeared into the glass and steel confines of _______'s San Francisco Office. Moments later Deily stuck his head from a 2nd floor window just long enough to pantomime a "raise the roof" gesture and exclaim "I call him Money for short!" -- apparently a reference to pop-music parodist "Weird" Al Yankovic's mid-90s song "All About the Pentiums," in which the songwriter claims that Microsoft founder Bill Gates is a personal friend.

Gates has not been reached for comment.

Despite Years of Preparation,
Ben Has "Nothing to Wear."

Deily, canine companion face clotheslessness. (AP)

Northern CA - As erstwhile bohemian Ben Deily prepared to head for work today -- an event marking the end of protracted months of unemployment -- he was shocked to discover that, despite an ample number of days (hundreds of them) to prepare for the occasion, the freelance advertising copywriter had nothing to wear. "Goddamn f**king hell!" exclaimed the East Bay resident, pawing through piles of T-shirts and threadbare sweaters (many culled from LA-area thrift stores and curbsides). "Where's my f**king Kenneth Cole thing? The stripey thing?"

A few of the garments deemed

Although the advertising industry is decidedly "casual" in its sartorial tradition, the 36-year-old rock 'n' roll has-been expressed concern that he not look like a "complete freaking moron." "I mean, look at all this sh*t," sighed Deily, gesturing at piles of just-unpacked (and questionably clean) laundry. "It looks like a donation pile from Goodwill. And I guess that isn't really surprising, since that IS where it all came from. Cripes, I got my head up my a**."

"I mean, look at this," groaned the beleaguered former yuppie, holding up a tee-shirt with the words "101% REDNECK" on it. "What the hell is this? Did I think I would ever actually WEAR this? I deserve to be unemployed."

Deily finally settled upon a black v-neck (with contrasting red piping) and jeans as being "not too awful," and hastened to catch his train.

[As of press time, no report on the reception of Deily's outfit/ensemble was available.]

NEWS archive...

start something satirical...