WEEK OF MAY 15, 2005
Ben "Already Nostalgic" for Unemployment
|Happier times; 3 weeks ago. (AP)
15 days into job, Deily "tired of the daily grind"
|Ben in simpler, less employed times. (UPI)
SAN FRANCISCO -- Mercurial advertising "creative" Ben Deily announced today, to no one in particular, that he was
"growing disenchanted with the hustle and bustle of the 9 to 5 life." As of this reporting Deily has been employed
full time for two weeks.
"I mean, hey...there's more important things than money," pontificated the perennially-in-debt Deily, propping
his feet on his desk on the 2nd floor of ********, a San Francisco ad agency.
Deily, who has borrowed money from almost everyone he knows in the last 3 years, added: "Sure, routine and responsibility
are important disciplines, but, like...I mean, Zen monks have only one bowl and one robe. That's ALL they own, man. And they
survive by begging. And they're all peaceful and wise and stuff. I'm just saying."
According to reports, after showering in hot running water this morning, Deily utilized what appeared to be at least two store-bought
products to style his hair, then consumed a bottle of "Vitamin Water" flavored beverage. He then perused the May
9th issue of "The New Yorker" magazine while traveling via air-conditioned commuter train to his downtown office.
"This whole late-capitalist cyber-consumerist economy thing can be so soul-crushing, y'know?" the former "7-year-plan"
college student remarked, while sipping an espresso prepared in an adjoining kitchenette with the company's own dual-espresso
machine. "I sometimes feel like I'm in the Matrix...enslaved by a vast, mechanized system of production and consumption
in which I'm just, like, a battery or something."
While unemployed, Deily distinguished himself by his steadfast devotion to the television shows "Law & Order"
and the popular "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" franchise. Also of note was his uncompromising, steadfast refusal to
take off his homemade "Tyler Durden-style" bathrobe, decorated with appliqués depicting coffee cups.
Although possessed of copious amounts of free time, he reportedly neither wrote a darkly brilliant novel satirizing the
excesses of the late 90s, not did he found an advocacy group for the preservation of endangered wetland fauna.
|Carefree "chit chat;" now replaced by sober "dialogue." (AP)
"It's like that guy Peter says in the movie 'Office Space'...we don't have a lot of time on this earth," Deily mused
aloud, idly doodling on a Post-It note. "Are we really meant to spend it like this? Just going along to get along? Being
a part of the problem?"
"Maybe I should just go 'off the grid' and live in the woods, y'know, like a hunter-gatherer," Deily added.
"I really might do it. Seriously."
The nominally "senior" copywriter abruptly ended his impromptu philosophical meditation upon being informed
that bagels were available in the conference room.
No further word on his immediate plans was available at press time.
Label Riddled with Internal Contradictions
Term "Deployed" Deployed Beyond All Reason
Ben Partnered with Tough-Talking, Two-Fisted Dame Art Director:
"Zany" Buddy Pic in Development
BUSINESS SURVEY: "Reply to All" Abuse Still Rampant
Old Guy on BART Wearing Suit, Reading "Teen People"
BENDEILY.COM Among Finalists in 2005 "Self-Indulgys"
Awards show to focus on efforts of preening, has-been musicians on web: other nominees include former TSOL guitarist, That
Guy From That Band.