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June 5 2005
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HOLLA BACK

WEEK OF JUNE 5, 2005

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The Easiest Way to Answer Your Question Is With This 57-Page "PowerPoint" Presentation

SAN FRANCISCO -- Welcome, I'd like to thank you all for coming. Before we get started, I was wondering if the overseas conference-callers joining us today could just quickly identify themselves over the speakerphone? You know, just your name, your job title, your organizational relationship to the project? Preferably all at once?

Great, thanks.

Oh, and Gerhardt from Frankfurt has just joined us as well. Gerhardt, you and I can off-line later today about what you just missed.

Yes Gerhardt, that's very funny. So true. Yes, we can barely hear you.

Oops, and it sounds like we just lost Bangalore. Sejal, can you still hear us? Hello? Cheryl, could you email Sejal and just tell her to conference back in as soon as she can...the code is...what's the code? Phil can help you with that. No, just have Phil call you and then you can email Sejal and then she can dial back in. It's simpler that way.

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So, if you could all open the decks in front of you...no, Okami San, the orange binder with the white label. Oh, yours are in green binders? Cheryl, could you just double-check the color issue? Yes, could you just call the number for the office in Nagamurta Prefecture? About the color? On the binders, yes?

I'm having trouble hearing you.

Orange?

Wait, no you're looking at the other green folder, the one with version 4.2. The one with all the "qual" data. Well, we'll just straighten that out later.

Anyway, Phil, if you could get the projection thing working, we can start going through the...oh, sorry, you have to restart? OK.

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Ha ha. Technology.

Well, while we're waiting, maybe Matt wants to say a few words about his "working group," and the...oh, wait, there it is. No, just click on the icon. The icon. No.

There it is. So, is everyone seeing the image of a smiling barefoot woman with a laptop computer, sitting in a sunlit garden? All right, then.

Huh? What was that? What is the "purpose" of this meeting? Well, I think that's best addressed in the presentation.

So...as you all know, the Q4 rollout sales channel driver psychographic profile means we all have to "have our ducks in a row," globally...and integrated cross-organizationally. As we leverage our existing resources into something scalable. Y'know, sort of a consumer-driven challenge "meme" deployment to focus perception barriers. Reinvigorate and segment the "key players." Integrated differentiation reinforcement.

And of course, promoting messaging reinforcers with cross functionality to a clear, seamless metric verticality. Best-practices paradigm. Reporting analysis systems "next-generation" capabilities development.

What was that? I'm not making sense?

Well, maybe this large, incomprehensible graph will help. On the left, we have supply-chain dual-use "late-purchase influencers," and on the right we've got this cool little duck icon my kid emailed to me. Isn't it a hoot?

Excuse me? How is all of this pertinent? Well, I figured that rather than teasing out the relevant information from this massive freakin' pile of data -- and providing us with a clear, shared purpose and concrete goals -- I'd show you a spreadsheet so large it can't be viewed on this entire wall. Oh, and check this out: an animated bar graph.

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What do you mean, you're no closer to understanding why we're here?

Why didn't I "think any of this stuff through?" Because my brain hurts. Maybe you haven't noticed, pal, but filling in data cells and setting up international conference calls is a hell of a lot easier than thinking. I didn't get an MBA so I could use my "problem-solving skills." I did it to get my *%$#@! overbearing dad off my back. And, well, to impress this girlfriend I had at the time. No, that's none of your business.

Oh, great, now we've lost Gerhardt.

Well, anyway, look, look...everyone can review the deck on their own, and get back to me with any questions. We'll "re-group" and "pool our learning" in a day or so.

You say you still don't understand the purpose of this meeting? Sheesh, man, go figure. I guess you just don't have a head for business.

Everyone else, if you have issues, ping me.

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Ben: whack-assed b*tch to the man?

Life of Gainful Employment
"Just Not Funny Enough"

Deily glumly considers options in post-slacker lifestyle

SAN FRANCISCO -- Though undoubtedly remunerative, newly-reported data suggests that life with a job simply is not funny enough, according to Ben Deily.

"It's not like I haven't tried," reported Deily in a recent interview. "Sure, I've been keeping my eyes open for opportunities to poke good-natured fun at myself and my surroundings. But let's face it, the whole freakin' 'isn't it funny how irrational my life as a cubicle drone is?' thing has been done virtually to death. Dilbert, anyone? Freaking 'Office Space?' I could go on."

The humor-deficiency crisis spawned by Deily's recent un-unemployment has not gone unnoticed by readers of bendeily.com. According to email records, one anonymous commentator -- identified only as "name: It's too early to be clever where I am" -- wrote on June 8th:

Umm Dear Ben, I do enjoy visiting, but I must say your "breaking news" seems a little er um, stale. Sorry! But I am sooo tired of that "Oh poor me I have to go to my big fancy city job" tale.

"Now that right there, that freakin' hurts," Deily confided. "I mean, here I am, I'm trying for the umpteenth time to rejoin society, and I have to be reminded again that yes, there isn't as much time or material available for the kind of, um, parodic re-purposing to which my readers have grown accustomed. F*ck, listen to me, I even SOUND like a business guy now. Sh*t!"

While acknowledging the humorous possibilities of white collar life, Deily stresses that it simply isn't as compelling as the material he's accustomed to drawing from. "Forget all that sit-com Dilbert sh*t, it's been done," Deily insisted dismissively, gesturing at a nearby DVD copy of "The Office," a British comedy series. "But now, c'mon, the day-to-day humiliations of the unemployed-and-overdrawn, that's pure comedy gold. The aimlessness...the self-pity, the pathetic and overblown fantasies of how sweet it will be when they finally DO find work...man, the pathos! it's side-splitting."

Deily hopes that, with time, he can find enough material "on the job" to satisfy his rapacious readers. After all, he points out, he's only been at it for a month.

"Of course, if all else fails," Deily observes grimly,"I guess I can always get myself fired. That's always good for a laugh."



IN OTHER NEWS:

Ben Fully Prepared to Sock the Next Person Using Term "Deliverables"

Violent ideation conflicts with Deily's ethics, but hey, come on

Saavy 30-Somethings Choosing "Wacky, Off-Beat" Consumption Patterns Over Wacky, Off-Beat Existence

Co-workers Quietly Judging Each Other

NEWS archive...

it's work-a-riffic!