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June 26 2005
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¡Curmudgeonista! / RADIO SANDWICH

WEEK OF JUNE 26, 2005

Breathtaking creature; cretinous Deily, inset (AP)

Breathtaking Deer "Probably Animatronic," Says Deily

Avatar of nature's unknowable majesty baffles media-addled 30-something

THE EAST BAY -- His mind and senses stripped by years of exposure to electronic depictions of reality, Ben Deily found himself confounded today by the appearance of a stunningly beautiful fawn, mere feet from his bedroom window.

"What th-" exclaimed the befuddled wage-slave, startled from the reverie of reading HARPER'S magazine. "Holy crap..." added the inarticulate East Bay resident, watching as -- with a primal majesty which language cannot hope to convey -- the yearling buck gazed unflinchingly at him.

After a few moments of vacant silence -- in what experts ascribe to "an atrophied sense of wonder" -- Deily began to speculate as to the provenance of this awe-inspiring presence, which he referred to as "that BAMBI-thing."

Glorious "embodiment." (UPI)

"Is it animatronic? It's probably animatronic..." the stunned advertising copywriter stammered.

"I mean, I guess it's being operated wirelessly...yeah, you could fit two puppeteers behind the garden wall. Boy, that's lifelike. Wonder if it's something they're field testing for ILM..." (Industrial Light & Magic, the George Lucas-founded special-effects company, is located in San Rafael -- scant miles from Deily's home.)

Not unlike the unnamed protagonist in famed American poet Robert Frost's "The Most of It" -- who is confronted by an "embodiment" appearing as "a great buck" -- Deily found himself, on some deep level, unequal to the experience.

Experts remain uncertain as to whether this was a result of his incessant bombardment by increasingly sophisticated, technologically-generated representations of natural phenomena, or from a simple lack of capaciousness in Deily's typically shriveled, self-seeking 21st-century soul.

"Oh, c'mon, that was a prop, right? Or some kind of promotional stunt?" Deily mumbled. "I mean, it had to be some kind of practical effect right?"

"I mean...it..." Deily offered as a final speculation, "it couldn't...it wasn't completely DIGITAL, was it?"


Only creators of "Batman Begins" truly understand my pain,
realizes moviegoer

RELIGION: Doctrine of "transubstantiation" still just plain icky

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